Tidy heart of insufficiencies

chasing birds.

2009-02-19T08:23:29Z

This is the time of my life
the times of our lives
Tomorrow is always too
far away
I can't imagine what it
would be like to
count our checks
like
tick marks on
the stick that held you up
cut a notch in for every
sniffle fooglebird you saw
You are

time will tell
who you will become
but for today
lets ride on this carpet
and we'll paint
the table through
the soggy paper
watercolors are
ridiculous
shrugging
they clean up easily

If I could trap this moment
In a bubble
anyone looking from the outside
would see us blurred by the pink and blue
slime around the comforting
non collapsable
Shield.
close call
keep us away from
that pencil lead
those scissors

I will keep you safe.

I will keep you away from harm.

I'm not ready to think about the day you leave me to jump off the ledge
Spreading wings
just like the fooglebird you so endearingly followed as
a child

moved

2009-01-31T20:27:03Z

and home internet up and running!

today

2009-01-05T08:11:02Z

I am middle aged.
Well I think so.
Fricken THIRTY!
:[

mrsm2011 @ 2008-11-30T16:41:00

2008-12-01T00:43:54Z

3BR/2.5Bth for only $359,000

Bamboo floors, stainless steel appliances, upgrade to granite countertops, gas fireplace, energy efficient "Green Built" construction.

3 large bedrooms, 2.5 baths, 1600+sq.ft of luxury in this well-built home. Nice yard, patio, gardens and playfield, detached garage.

.

its like a dream come true. We are going to go look next weekend...

contemplating the move

2008-11-30T11:51:39Z

To Seattle.
I know.
The rain, the big city, the elevated cost of living.

But there is that one thing.

My husband coming home Every night.
Sounds so pleasant.
sounds like we could bring another life into our mess without it being such a mess.

Hate to leave our church though. that would be the hardest part.

He wants to leave now. I said start looking at houses, maybe he'll find one and we can do it, maybe he'll fined one and we'll decide, no.
Maybe he won't find one at all.

I am not sure if i even have a preference now as to which, but I know that no matter what our lives are changing.

mrsm2011 @ 2008-11-07T22:38:00

2008-11-08T06:42:11Z

SO he did it. I am not surprised. I am Glad though.
Maybe this is the change we are looking for.

mrsm2011 @ 2008-10-05T10:06:00

2008-10-05T17:10:00Z

I wish I didnt believe,
so I wouldn't have to feel like I am disappointing Him.

As of today i have been married for 10 years...

2008-09-30T03:52:53Z

WOW... and dont feel bad that I am stuck inmy house with my two children... He is on business and took us on vacation just for this day... We got a whole weekend to make up for the trial he is currently working on. got home to flowers though... It was nice. He remembered that I love carnations. he used to get them for me in high school, but recently has been getting me roses because he thinks they are classier... but today it was 6 dozen carnations... Wow. i know, right....

HE called me today though... I mean the other HE the one I am so so so not thinking about anymore... He blocked his # and I knew I shouldnt answer a phone when the numbe ris restricted, but I was waiting for the jewler to call and say that they were done cleaning my jewelry and thought maybe it was them, got stuck talking to HIM for two hours... RRRR

He still is madly inlove with me and I cant stop it. I dont know though. Somehow he found out I was in his city last weekend and wanted to know why I didnt call. AND I WAS SO PROUD OF MYSELF FOR NOT CALLING. and he made me feel like shit about it.

Well i guess I can still be proud of myself and now I know that he will stoop to the level of blocking out his number to get hold of me, so now I cant answer unless I know who is calling... but other than that, the kids are healthy and happy. i am still married, and my rings are super shiny.

suicide

2008-09-23T09:28:37Z

knowing that I am wrong and letting me go to bed.
I am ruining lives.
he knows it
as do I.
Its over.
I believe it.
Its done.
I conceived it.
Random's label of
volumoscity
and humoroscity
i cant enable this
humble
mortal to continue
to let me die.
and kill who I am dying for.

Myself.

Literary, not literal.
suicide.

mrsm2011 @ 2008-09-17T00:06:00

2008-09-17T07:07:41Z

here comes some trials.
family trip?
sheesh. i couldnt have planned it better.

mrsm2011 @ 2008-09-15T14:07:00

2008-09-15T21:08:04Z

got a text yesterday. I didnt want to open it, but

"I'm in Seattle."

Well, its not so far.

just a start.

2008-09-13T05:51:01Z

its the way that I say yes every time I wonder if I could let you go, but say yes again every time you ask me if i want to go...
I cant imagine what it would be like to live in a life where there is one man forever and ever. I am getting too close to having no men. Maybe its because the hubby is never here, leaving me to my own devices, fending for myself, for my children's selves. I cant imagine what it would be like to not feel like a single mom. Even though this doorknob on my finger should be reminder enough that I am "happily" married to this lawyer I don't even know anymore. Ahh well, such is life and such is the times to live the tv show you refuse to watch. I suppose there is something in between desperate and searching. I am not sure what.
I think there is such an ingenious way that the human soul regenerates itself after serious damage. It allows one to believe whatever one needs to believe to be happy. I believe that love itself is pure, and purity means honesty. And silence isn't always a lie.
Something I did not believe a few years ago that I know to be true: once it seems to be over it is really just beginning.
So here we go again. I hope he stays in town longer than expected, but if not, there will be seeing him again. I love him, and I love the thought of not saying a word about him.

mrsm2011 @ 2008-09-05T12:12:00

2008-09-05T19:14:14Z

I am happy today

mrsm2011 @ 2008-08-30T12:39:00

2008-08-30T19:39:47Z

friendship's lonely heartached moment
reminds us we're too slow
too young to take for granted
the truth that we both know
As age tears us apart
and youth reminds us
of terror of the dark
how we have forgotten
what we really loved
plaguing our reality
of frustrated teenality
hurrying to this
and franticling to that
worrying about worship
and how we fit the mold

Break free from tradition
and hold your heart out to us
freedom betroths us
from heartship's hindrances

flight fight
black back
sign sin

enormity and fortitude
disturbia and enormitude
fortuity and disturbatude

love love love love love
evol evol evol evol evol
evolve

Writer's Block: The Meaning of Love

2008-08-26T01:32:59Z

What does love mean to you, and why? Have you always felt this way?

Submitted By rynanne

View 500 Answers

Love means.
-hunger
-adoration
-fleeting
-wonderful
-intention
-focus
-fidelity
-frustration
-empathy
-sarcasm
-polution
-friendship
-homelessness
-worship
-failure
-parenting
-future
-need
-flaws
-contradict
-forget
-remember
-harm
-joy
-unity
-so so much more.

I have always felt this way about certain ones mentioned, but have just aded to my list. I figure that if I ever felt a certain way about something so unexpicable, it must be true in some aspect.

mrsm2011 @ 2008-08-19T23:41:00

2008-08-20T06:43:55Z

Tonight my husband asked me if I am "okay."
tired if lying to him I said i felt sick
as if that wasnt a lie at all
It wasn't the whole truth
But now he is at the store
buying peptobismal

mrsm2011 @ 2008-08-19T16:13:00

2008-08-19T23:15:17Z

Going to the lake.
Water feels like.... purity.
And so do children.

Double emotional healing.

managed to eat some yogurt today an not puke.

mrsm2011 @ 2008-08-19T01:32:00

2008-08-19T08:38:46Z

Drags self up off the bathroom floor
"get up"
Fighting the desire to purge it all
again.
"you are too old for this."
Ten years of marriage gives me this?
"he will come check on you any second."
be gone when he gets here
"You are being selfish"
you are fighting the loss that you never deserved to gain
"GO in peace to love and serve the lord by loving and serving each other."
What? didn't go to church this week.
Felt unworthy dirty and fallen
"Get up."

Live

mrsm2011 @ 2008-08-19T00:19:00

2008-08-19T07:22:40Z

...
what is this shit?
...
I can't write anymore.
...
FUCKKK
...
I need that outlet, but it sucks!
...
I hate

mrsm2011 @ 2008-08-19T00:14:00

2008-08-19T07:17:08Z

Frankly sir
I wished it away
you have a disease
of the heart
why cant you be alone
what keeps you from
the decision
of her or her or her
etc.

Why would I think that
it could be me
seconds after
I give my heart
to you in death

you are betrothed
to another
by your own
wicked soul

you killed it
and infected the other
fast
then slowly evaporating

mrsm2011 @ 2008-08-19T00:06:00

2008-08-19T07:14:06Z

frantically forgetting
the lies that you
randomly decided were
going to be worth
all the
Hate
the future
self
emaciation
of soul

I lied for you
I am not a liar
I cheated for you
I am not a cheater
I died for you
I am not a quitter

but MY head fell on straight
by mistake
by the life of
the little ones

I said goodbye to you
You hate being said no to

And now you ran to the other
she is harder to access
and long distance
was enough
when you had your wife
and me
and whoever else

but why
holy matrimony

You know you are doomed
with the words
I do
We discussed it
unless you were lying then
too

now i feel so shitless
and mad
and finding a thesaurus
isnt worth the
trouble

when the endpoint it
you
all the times you said you
"love me"

I have wasted too much
on
you

Why am I still half

dead

mrsm2011 @ 2008-08-18T10:51:00

2008-08-18T17:52:12Z

Today I am taking the kids to the lake.

twenty four hours

2008-08-17T08:26:14Z

Hurts like hell

mrsm2011 @ 2008-08-16T09:04:00

2008-08-16T16:27:23Z

Last night.
Was the first time I knew
to remember my
bedside manners

after pillaging my
mind body
bite marks to show
[shit. how many days is
the camping trip?]
You said what I
was silently
begging you to
forget

-Come with me.
~Why?
-This is right.
~Is it?
-I wouldn't say it if I didn't think it was true.
~Don't you respect that I have a family?
-You don't respect that you have a family.
~I guess I was hoping to make this a goodbye.
-Never say goodbye to me.
~Why? What do you care?
-Don't try to hurt me to make it easier to leavye.
I've loved you too much for too long to not believe your eyes.
~What do you see there?
-I shouldn't have to tell you how you feel.
~I'm not asking you to tell me how I feel, What do you see?
-Okay. I see... "Please help me get away from routine."
~Weird.
-How so?
~I think it will be routine that will save me.
-Isn't that a little ridiculous? You have always hated routine.
~
-Isn't that why we found each other?
~Funny. I thought it was love.
-Don't act this conversation.
~
-Not everything can be a novel.
~Not everyone can understand me fully. Maybe that is why I can't go with you.
-Don't make things up. You know that you WILL be coming with me.
~You can't ask me to leave my children.
-
~They will always be first in my heart.
-
~I can't abandon them.
-Do you sound so desperate because you think when I leave I will take your heart with me and you will abandon them anyways, just not physically?
~Always the dreamer. What is this about taking hearts and phsycology?
-
~It's just not like you.
-You are not like you anymore. i don't know if there is even a heart there to take with me.
~Go.
-I love you.
~Never call me again.
-Are you going to see me off at the airport.
~I'm going to be busy.
-I haven't told you when I leave.
~Okay. When.
-Tuesday.
~Busy.
-
~
-
~
-So I guess this is...
~The end.

He looks at me.
holding back the criticism that yes,
I still want this to be a novel
Then it wouldn't have to be real
But its Saturday.
and I have three days
before my heart
leaves to the big
city nearby

And the last thing I said to it was

The End.

mrsm2011 @ 2008-08-14T20:56:00

2008-08-15T03:56:38Z

fall
leaves
leaving
gone
rake
falls
no one
cares